just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
