I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Randomize
