Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Randomize
