You smell like stripper and shame
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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