I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
