Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize