sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Randomize
