did you get engaged???
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
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