I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
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