Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Randomize
