I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
