I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Randomize
