Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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