Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
As shirtless as possible
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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