Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
