right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
