Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Randomize
