Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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