i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
