So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
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