I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
