I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
