I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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