Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Randomize
