How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
