She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
