My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
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