I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
