I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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