All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Randomize
