i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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