I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize