I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
