the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
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