you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
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