a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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