our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
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