I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
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