I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Randomize
