So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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