her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
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