You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize