Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Randomize
