I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
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