Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
