can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Randomize
