It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
My cat gives me a boner
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
