Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Randomize
