Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Randomize
