We won't sleep together?
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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