her vagine was all disorganized.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
