We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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