Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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