i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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