My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
