my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize