the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
