We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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