Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
