My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
